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Why I’m Here

I started another blog years ago that I would prefer stay buried somewhere in the Internet Graveyard. This is partially because I am not the same person I was when I wrote those posts, and some of it, quite frankly, is embarrassing. My views have changed; my personality has changed; my thoughts about what is worth saying have changed. It’s also the little things, like how I felt I was being really edgy and creative by not capitalizing anything. Jeesh.

So earlier this year, I started a new blog (this one) and reposted what was the last thing on my old blog. It was a fresh start. Except it wasn’t really a start at all, because I didn’t do anything with it for a couple months. And then I posted something. And it blew up a little bit. I shared it to Facebook and some friends shared it, and then people were viewing it that I didn’t even know and sharing it on Twitter. It was exhilarating. My words mattered. I’d helped people. I’d let someone hear that endlessly comforting “me too” that can mean the world.

And then I got scared.

I’m a perfectionist. My very worst enemy is expectation. My own expectations. The expectations of others. My perception of the expectations of others. It’s all crippling. So my success actually ended up traumatizing me a little. I’d write something, intending to post it, and then I’d chicken out because it might not get as good a reaction as the last thing. That post had set the invisible bar too high. Everyone needed me to say something just as good, just as relatable, just as likable, and I wasn’t sure I could do it.

So I didn’t do anything.

It’s been months now, and I long to write because I love to write. I long to help people again, to utter something that gives someone a little “me too” reassurance. And fear continues to threaten to get in the way. But my boyfriend Joel asked me if I’d like to do this Blogging 101 thing with him that helps you build up your blog and get into the habit of writing and posting. And I said yes because I like doing things with Joel. And because, most of the time, when I do something because Joel suggested it, it turns out to be just what I needed, or it makes me a better person.

This post isn’t profound. It’s not even helpful. It’s just an explanation of why I posted something people thought was pretty cool and then disappeared. And it’s an explanation of why I’m back now. Fear is a stupid reason to do (or not do) something. Everything I post won’t be incredible. Some of it might even be bad. But not doing anything at all is not who I want to be.

So here goes doing something. That’s why I’m here.

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